Sweet Justice

It's all downhill for rest of the day for me, kiddos, and I couldn't be happier about it.

There are times in life that, in spite of being a staunch athiest, make me want to believe in a higher power. Today was one of those days. Having been neglecting my responsibilities on the homefront lately, so much so that my place reminds me of being in University (if you lived in rez, or seen Animal House, you know what I mean). So I got up early and headed over to the grocery to pick up a few things that I was out of, or running alarmingly low on (toilet paper, mouthwash.. food). As I'm about to go inside, there's a guy coming out, so I hold the door for him to go first - and when he does, he doesn't even nod in acknowledgement of the gesture, nevermind a 'thanks, man'. Anyway, that really grinds my gears, so as I pass him I mumble something like 'no problem, asshole, anytime', and doesn't he hear me. Instead of ignoring it and carrying on with his day, he decides that he wants to make an issue out of it - presumably so he can look tough in front of his fat wife so he might get laid again sometime in his miserable life.

'What'd you say to me?'. Now, instead of just being perturbed, I'm outright pissed.
'You fucking heard me, jackass'
'So you're a tough guy, huh?'

Man, if you were civil to begin with, we'd be cool. Besides, this guy doesn't know me from a hole in the ground, so it's pretty plain to me that it's him, and not me, who thinks he's a tough guy. Here we go.

'Listen, you tit, it's people like you..', and just when I was about to launch into a tirade about civility, the death of manners, and generally why he's a shitty dude - which is always fun because my vocabulary increases 1000% when I'm pissed off - god smiled on me.

Are you ready for this?

A low-flying pigeon swoops down at mach 2 and SMASHES. INTO. HIS. FACE. His FACE! Honest to christ, right between the eyes. I'm not sure whether it was force of the impact, or the jarring fear, but the guy falls down. The pigeon looks around, shakes his head a few times and flies away.

There wasn't really anything I could say to the guy at that point - he'd just been served by Mother Nature.

I peed my pants laughing. Y'know those laughs that are so hard that no sound comes out? Like that, but complete with tears rolling down my face and the feeling like I was gonna have a heart attack.

The best part? Now that I think about it, I could swear that the pigeon winked at me before he flew off.

I didn't even go in the store, I just turned around and went home, my day's already hit it's high point.