Train Kept A Rollin'..

@fearitself - overheard - Question: 'you know how to get to Christie's, right? You know, the cookie place?', Response: 'Are you fucking kidding me? I'm a fat guy - I could find that place if I was blind.'.

It's been a bizarre day, kiddos.

I spent most of last night at my parents' place in glamorous Bolton, ON doing laundry. I was standing outside smoking a cigarette when the deja vu hit me. It was just under a year ago I was standing in the exact same position, doing the exact same thing trying to figure out how I'd fucked things up so badly. At the time, I had just lost my job - which was one of those jobs that you think you're going to have forever - but it was cool, 'cause it was a great job. I remember thinking that things'd never be the same. I remember worrying that things'd never be the same. Aside from losing just the job, I'd lost everything I'd known for the preceding 8 years of my life, and had nothing to show for it except for the same stupid grin that still gets me into trouble.

Added to that I had ended a 5 year relationship that was effectively poison; and eventhough it didn't stick until several months later, I knew at the time that we were done. There are just some things that people say that can't be taken back - some things that, while forgiven, can never be forgotten.

I was heartbroken.

The doctors gave me drugs that didn't work. The shrink only wanted to talk about my relationship with my parents, in spite of the fact that I had climbed that mountain and made peace with it almost a decade and half earlier. People kept telling me that things'd turn around, but I couldn't hear them. All I could hear was my own doubt, which was tempered with the excitement that comes along with not knowing what lay ahead. It was an interesting time of my life; a time that taught me more about what's important than the sum of the 29 years that'd come before it.

Standing alone in front of that house again last night gave me pause to think about the changes that've taken place in me this year - and that pause brought a smile to my face. The reality is that the only thing that got me through all those bad times was myself (with the occasional kick in the ass from the people who give a damn).

I'm at the edge of a completely different precipice these days.. there is still doubt and concern, but it's all good. There are things in my life right now that I can't figure out, and things that I want that may never come to fruition, but at least I know that there is more to the story - and that the sun will come up tomorrow, whether I'm ready for it or not.

I just thought it was funny how you have to figure these things out for yourself sometimes, no matter how sweet your support system is.